TheTop10Everything.com

It's always difficult to know how to appreciate art, it's all so diverse and while some of it looks like effete drivel, it isn't always politic to say so in front of your obscenely rich host. Of course, I know all there is to know about art, so here are some of the catch phrases I like to use about it.

Sometimes, one finds oneself in the position of having to seek gainful employment, in order to get oneself through a hard time. This needn't be a shameful experience, but neither should one lower one's standards or gentlemanliness or class standing.

I can't express to you my hatred for plebs, although you might be getting some idea if you have enough taste to avidly follow the contents of my column here. It's dreadful enough that they consider their stupid little lives important, and even worse that they settle down with other plebs and breed. Disgusting. I've listed the most repugnant of their courtship rituals, so you know what to look out for. If you are courting a person of class and sophistication, do NOT use the following tactics.

Technology. What a crass and bloody awful thing. Gone are the days of hand-crafted snuff-boxes, teak wooden things carved by talented peasants, and undisputed rulership over the uneducated masses. Now there's all this guff about technology liberating people, technology, the great equaliser, technology, where we all get heard.

Planning the right soiree can be tiresome, with the help being so utterly plebeian and the guests just itching for the opportunity to cut you down behind your back at brunch in the morning. So you have to be at the top of your game.

Democracy is frankly one of the most ridiculous concepts ever to grace the earth.