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Galleries are so terribly passe. It's a new age out there, people, and you can either create art yourself on your computer, or heaps of other people have created art solely for your consumption on the internet.

Those guys make out like it's so difficult, but to me, it sounds like a total breeze.

It's always difficult to know how to appreciate art, it's all so diverse and while some of it looks like effete drivel, it isn't always politic to say so in front of your obscenely rich host. Of course, I know all there is to know about art, so here are some of the catch phrases I like to use about it.

Feeling those creative juices flowing? Well be careful, too much of that can be just embarrassing...

I am, as I'm sure you're all aware by now, a deeply creative person. And I have so much artistic potential that hopefully, by the time I'm twenty five, I'll be famous not just for my art that is poetry, but also my visual art. I'll give you some tasters.

Art galleries. Full of idiots pretending to be smart, saying words nobody understands, and the paintings of two year olds. And you can't SAY things like that, oh no. I'd rather eat a tray full of them foreign shushi things than set foot in an art gallery again, and here's why.

There are many reasons I would rather spend all my time with computers than people. Let me give you some insight into why.

Like, people reckon that being unemployed is all, like, laying around and relaxing and doing nothing. That is, like, a total lie. I have to work, like, super hard to maintain this lifestyle.

Sometimes, one finds oneself in the position of having to seek gainful employment, in order to get oneself through a hard time. This needn't be a shameful experience, but neither should one lower one's standards or gentlemanliness or class standing.

Wondering where your career's going? Read on to find out!

Career day at my school is such a f*****g joke. They all want us to be lawyers, or doctors, or fascistic scum. I don't see why I shouldn't, like, hold onto my dreams. It's not like I'm not amazingly talented.

While people seem to think that most models are just ditzy airheads, it is actually an amazingly tough career to break into. So, there are certain steps you can take to try and secure your way into this insanely cut-throat industry. Obviously, I didn't have to do any of these things, but we can't all be me.

We all love to hate him, perpetrator of the Windows travesty and all round rich and irritating guy. But would I, given a chance, turn my disdain to adoration? Here are the 10 best reasons I can figure out for marrying him...

Okay, so, like, it turns out that there are certain things that really picky girls are, like, NOT looking for in a guy, and one of those HAPPENS to be what I am - a laid back guy who likes to smoke a little pot and prefers the couch, to, like, arty s**t like the movies or whatever. So if you're looking to score with a girl, these are things you should, like, disguise from her until she knows you and your more awesome qualities better.

I can't express to you my hatred for plebs, although you might be getting some idea if you have enough taste to avidly follow the contents of my column here. It's dreadful enough that they consider their stupid little lives important, and even worse that they settle down with other plebs and breed. Disgusting. I've listed the most repugnant of their courtship rituals, so you know what to look out for. If you are courting a person of class and sophistication, do NOT use the following tactics.