Everybody loves a little relationship advice! According to the stars, here's yours!
- Capricorn: Sometimes, girls need a little bit of time to figure out if they like you and are going to return your call. In your case, girls don't like you, so stop sitting by the phone and learn to cope with being alone.
- Aquarius: You can either break up with him on Thursday, or wait for the lightening storm on Friday to do it for you. Note: Do NOT agree to go for a walk on Friday on a clear felled or grassy hillside carrying a metal golf umbrella.
- Pisces: You have an incredibly hot significant other. Maybe you should buy him/her a small token of your affection.
- Aries: Don't even THINK about telling your girlfriend she's getting fat next time you're on a date at your favourite restaurant. If you do, you can expect a fork in the eyeball, and those are some heavy cutlery.
- Taurus: You will meet your true love on Wednesday, at the county fair. Love comes in mysterious ways, so don't disregard the sideshow acts and try and rethink your ideas about body image, fatness, and ladies with mustaches.
- Gemini: Your boyfriend wants to go out for breakfast. Make it so, and he will be in your debt forever.
- Cancer: Grab on tight, you're wife is going to try and leave you on Tuesday. You could prevent this using cajoling and tears, but only duct tape and threats will work. Be aware, the police are watching...
- Leo: Don't accept candy from strangers. Or drinks. Or jewelery. Or pets. In fact, don't make eye contact with anyone this week.
- Virgo: We all know true love waits, but your true love is getting itchy... feet... you don't want to end up like Britney Spears do you?
- Libra: Weigh up the options of whether or not it's worth staying with a dirty cheater just because you hate to be alone. If you dump that lying creep, you may well encounter an insanely hot therapist while you're getting over it...
Scorpio and Sagittarius: It's a cruel world out there. Take the phone off the hook, stock up on chocolate biscuits, rent the movie Steel Magnolias, and hide under the bed.
