Wondering where your career's going? Read on to find out!
- Aquarius: The more work you do for the Trump family, the more you feel like you're selling your soul. But that's okay, because at the rate you're going you'll be able to buy your way into heaven no problem!
- Pisces: Your chosen career is about to take off. In six months you will be rich and retired, travelling the world at a whim!
- Aries: Pull yourself out of that dead-end, soul destroying office job and spend six months creating that musical album you always dreamed of. Go on, you deserve it.
- Taurus: Charge on ahead, take the reigns, and slip that arsenic tablet you've been hoarding for this very occasion into your boss's moccachino. When you hear sirens, it's time to cut your losses and flee to the Carribean. Have a fake passport ready!
- Gemini: Your significant other's chosen career is about to take off, and s/he will be retiring shortly. Stick around for the ride - there's no shame in being a lady/gentleman of leisure!
- Cancer: There's no shame in still doing hospitality at the age of thirty, even if you do have a PHD. However, have you considered that in ten years you'll be forty, and there might be a little shame in it then?
- Leo: Don't cut your hair this week - like Sampson, that's where your strength lies. And your boss only keeps you around for your good looks.
- Virgo: When the boss cracks onto you at the staff party on Wednesday, DON'T give it up to him/her in the janitor's closet. Not only will your boss not respect you in the morning, but their significant other WILL walk in on you and you WILL be fired. If you must, do it in the stairwell.
- Libra: Look for balance in the workplace. You are the voice of reason, and when your boss has a nervous breakdown week after next you could well sweep in there... provided you don't do anything silly. Like break off your affair with the CEO.
- Scorpio: Your working life with your current employer will come to an abrupt halt on Wednesday. Do not attempt any kind of violence against them. The police have been notified of potential trouble already and will be waiting.
Sagittarius and Capricorn: Just call in sick this week. It's the only way you'll manage not to stuff up anything important.
