TheTop10Everything.com

I've never been on a blind date, obviously, that would just be too pathetic. However, I have several fat and unattractive friends (who naturally I keep around to cheer me up when i feel bloated), bless their hearts, who go on them all the time. And the stories I hear! As far as I can tell, these are the ten best ways to get away from that awful little troll who passed himself off as a six foot adonis in the personals column in the back of the local newspaper...

1. If he hasn't seen you, back away fast, ditch the carnation (or other pre arranged signal) and grab your mobile. Head to the toilets, and fake a call to him as the nurse from a psych ward where you've just been admitted, with no hope of release, for the next twenty years. Watch him leave from behind a potted plant and then charm your way to dinner with the most eligible looking bachelor in the restaurant.
2. Spend the first hour talking incessantly about your father. Then ask if you can call him "dad". If he agrees, scream with delight and demand that he pays your weekly therapy costs.
3. Act furtively, as though you're being spied on. This could include hiding behind the menu and only peeking out, ducking under the table, slinking along the walls, and whispering dramatically while glancing manically around the room. If your date asks what's wrong, start muttering about your wife/husband, the private detective, and the criminal charges.
4. Act the same as above, but when asked what's wrong, start gibbering about alien abduction, and how you know they're coming for you, and acost a waiter and demand he fashion you a hat from tinfoil.
5. Lying and backpedalling. If it's too late, and your date has already seen you, act surprised to be identified this way. Things like "Who me? No. I always wear a carnation/New York Yankees hat/odd socks" might work. Otherwise, scream hysterically and collapse on the floor. Convulsing won't go astray either.
6. As above, except using the excuse "No, absolutely not. I'm here to meet my husband/wife/mother/father/brother/sister/daughter/son", head to an appropriate table, and strike up a heated conversation with your fake relative until it's over.
7. Spend the date grinning maniacally, and nodding aggressively at everything that's said. Don't speak at all. And drink as much alcohol as possible, after passing a note on a napkin saying "your shout, I forgot my wallet/purse)
8. Deviating slightly from the response above, grin maniacally, and at the first available break in the conversation lean in intimately and say "I'd like to talk to you about God..." IF they are remotely enthusiastic about this, excuse yourself immediately and run away.
9. Talk enthusiastically and lovingly about your current spouse, and how much they mean to you, and how you're still very much in love with them and how does your blind date feel about entering into a loving, committed threesome?
10. Order a white meat dish, and when it arrives, make a comparison between the taste of it and human flesh.