Let's face it, we all want to look our best. But without continuous and rigorous dieting, it's never going to happen. Of course, I am utterly stunning, but that's because I've got some little dieting tricks up my sleeve, which I will now share with you.
- Get a full time, 24 dietician and personal trainer. Make sure they follow you EVERYWHERE. But keep an eye on them... most will try to subvert you with advice like "but you have to eat SOMETHING" and "that much exercise can potentially damage your body". They are just jealous of your success and extreme hotness. Fire them and find new ones.
- Travel to exotic third world locations with poor food choices. Ever felt a craving for gruel? Well, you won't feel the need to eat AT ALL during your visits around remote African villages.
- Drink the tap water in Vietnam with gusto. As long as you have a doctor on standby, the case of Cholera you get won't be fatal and will knock the pounds off. And furthermore, no-one can accuse you of bulimia; the vomiting is from a legitimate illness.
- Try for a short time in a Thai jail. Ensure that you have a good lawyer at your disposal and haven't done anything that could potentially spell a life sentence and languish away for a couple of weeks. It's the same as the gruel eating, really.
- Develop a disease that requires the removal of the bulk of your internal organs. This knocks the weight off like nobody's business, and it's so much more sympathy inducing that stomach stapling, which only the greenest of models think is acceptable.
- While cocaine is expensive, think about how much you'll save by replacing all your meals with it... and soon you'll be so thin that everyone will be buying for you! It's an investment!
- Go on an animal rights demonstration to show your public how caring you can be, and declare yourself a vegan. A strict lettuce diet can work wonders for the figure, AND you get public kudos!
- Develop a "working relationship" with a plastic surgeon. Make sure his record is spotless though - there's no point investing time and energy in a man who can't get lypo just right.
- NEVER believe what the doctors and specialists say is the "minimum calories" per day. The are just trying to make you fat.
- Celery sticks, bottled water, your kid's ADD medication, and a running machine are your best friends.
