I can't express to you my hatred for plebs, although you might be getting some idea if you have enough taste to avidly follow the contents of my column here. It's dreadful enough that they consider their stupid little lives important, and even worse that they settle down with other plebs and breed. Disgusting. I've listed the most repugnant of their courtship rituals, so you know what to look out for. If you are courting a person of class and sophistication, do NOT use the following tactics.
- Giving the person you're enamoured with chocolate. Certainly, this might be a kind gesture, on that your prospective girlfriend loves. But consider this. Chocolate is not only an overdone gift, but also, one can buy gift packets of the stuff at common supermarkets, which does not scream sophistication, AND it's murder on the hips. If you want your little size ten vixen ballooning out as soon as you're going steady, then fine. Otherwise, food as gifts is a no-no. Unless you order something specially from an exotic foreign location.
- Dating in a group. Nothing screams "I'm unsophisticated" like taking some poor, unsuspecting potential partner on a "double", or worse, "triple", date. Maybe it was "cute" when you were twelve, but such things are not icebreakers, and just end up at fast food outlets where all the ladies go to smoke in the toilets and apply too much eyeliner, and the gentlemen throw chips at each other. Even in their thirties, this inclination tends to come out during multiple dating. This is not an ideal state of courtship.
- Going to the movies. Filled with nasty and uneducated high school children and/or manual labourers, these pits of butter-fat and pestilence are trappings for the most ignorant and ill informed idiots. And the tripe they show! A trip to an alternative or art-house cinema can be acceptable, if the film is appropriately foreign. But watch out for the hippies.
- Going to the zoo. That's right, some idiots think that watching a collection of mind-numbingly stupid animals masturbate is an appropriate form of courtship. But really, the place is full of single mothers and snot-nosed sprogs, and the animals are all pathetic. Furthermore, forcing your date to walk around all day and feign interest in nature is not an auspicious starting point.
- Going bowling. What an atrocious tradition THAT is, and should be banned. The sweating, the greasy hair, the sticky floors... I could go on, but I shan't. I'm feeling vaguely ill a the thought.
- Going rollerskating or ice skating at some kind of rink. For all the reasons above, including that you should NOT want somebody you are trying to impress to see you in the inelegant repose of exercise, sweating, or desperately trying to stay upright. SO plebeian.
- Being too cheap to go to real theatre or opera and going to student performances instead. Bah. If you're wooing your intended by displaying your love of high art and culture, crass performances at the local university or community centre are the wrong way to go. If the performance group don't have "London" or "Royal" before their name, they most likely aren't worth seeing.
- Fast food restaurants. And if you don't understand why, there's no point us continuing this discussion.
- The beach. Too much sand, wind, and fat tourists. And far, far too cheap.
- Anywhere that may involve running into an ex spouse or partner, particularly if this would be to intentionally rub in how you've moved on. Ugh.
