Mary Lou and I have been married for twenty three years, and frankly, the woman could know me a little better. It's not like she has anything else to do all day.
- Nags at me about leaving my undergarments on the floor. It's MY floor, so what that I paid for it with the insurance money after Mary Lou was wrongfully attacked by one of them armed guards that thought she was a terrorist? I told her that veil made her look heathen. And just because she can't bend down so good any more doesn't mean I can't leave my undergarments where-ever I please, so long as it's clean when I get home.
- Feeds me vegetables twice a day. It's like she wants to torture me. I know she SAYS it's because the doctor said so, but I know she does it really because she's too mean to buy me an extra sausage with her pin money. Shame.
- Leaves my newspaper on the porch. Is it too much to ask that when I get up at seven I have a full fried breakfast AND my paper sitting on the side of my place at the table? It's only down the stairs, out the front door, and sometimes into the rose bushes to collect it. And I don't understand why Mary Lou looks so harassed about it, it's only fried breakfast and my rights and happiness as a husband.
- Sulks when the boys come round for poker. Well I can't help that Ole Red brings his own girl from Macey's topless bar down the road to serve us, and the I've told Mary Lou to just stick out of the way in the cellar during the game is it? If she just took a bit more care of herself things like this wouldn't happen.
- Gets offended if I eat jerky instead of dinner. Well if you're going to serve green vegetables, what to you expect? Gratitude?
- Sulks if her stories are on when I'm watching the baseball. It's my tv, and I'll do with it as I please. And why should I buy her a separate one? I'd get laughed out of town.
- Cries. I don't hold with crying. It's a sign of weakness that make's Mary Lou's eyes and nose all red and swole. Disgusting. And she shouldn't provoke me into yelling at her if that's what does it.
- Calls the children long distance. I know the children are important. That's why I call them for Christmas and their birthdays. But once a month is far too often, in my opinion. And if I didn't keep the phone locked up, I'm sure she'd ring em every week.
- Entertains her friends in my living room when I'm trying to watch sports. They giggle, they drink God knows what, and all I want to do is relax on MY couch and watch MY t.v.. Don't understand what the woman needs friends for anyway - aren't me and the dogs enough?
- Gets mad when I come home drunk. Don't see why - it's her job to clean up after me. Hmph. If she's not careful she'll be sleeping on the porch again. I have a reputation to uphold in this town.
