It's always difficult to know how to appreciate art, it's all so diverse and while some of it looks like effete drivel, it isn't always politic to say so in front of your obscenely rich host. Of course, I know all there is to know about art, so here are some of the catch phrases I like to use about it.
- It's so important to sound like you know what you're talking about. I find using French expressions helps with this, such as "Trompe-L’oeil" " Fin de siècle" " Nouveau Réalisme" "Réalités Nouvelles" or simply "Très magnifique!" if you're terribly stuck. ("Sacré bleu!" is also an option if you are unsure of whether it's très chic or not) It really doesn't matter if you know the meaning of these phrases; it's your pronounciation and flair for confident examination of the artwork that's important.
- Add the ending "esque" onto the end of common words, for that hint of originality and dimension. Phrases like "Dada-esque", "Roman-esque", "picture-esque" (maybe not that last one). Make up obscure sounding European names and add "esque" onto those as well. Nobody will dare correct or question you, at the risk of sounding ridiculous themselves.
- Talk a lot about "schools". Reminiscent of the London School, the Parisian School, the New York School, the Romanian School. The more obscure the nation, once again, the easier it will be.
- If the art is abstract, using emotionally laden terms will always go down a treat. Somewhat like wine-tasting actually - words like honest, compelling, magnetism...
- Pretend to be on intimate terms with the artist. As long as you're relatively sure they aren't dead... This can be extremely successful, if done properly. You can essentially explain what the artist meant while painting the thing and nobody can argue. (NB. Ensure that no one else knows the artist first, and that the artist isn't actually in attendance).
- If you are truly stuck, observe the type of art you are in the company of, and then begin to criticise an anonymous close friend of yours for having appalling taste in art... and make sure you describe it as nothing like the art you are looking at.
- Scorn modern sculpture. It deserves it, and if it wasn't done in marble by a famous Italian you can scoff as you like. Particularly if you have a marble sculpture by and Italian.
- Speaking of Italians, Italian art phrases work just as beautifully as French ones. Things like "Intaglio", "Chiaroscuro", "Sfumato" or "Il Novecento Italiano" (for controversy) are all winners. Maybe not the last one.
- Narrowing your eyes, saying "Mmmmmmm..." ponderously and then abruptly turning away and striding around the room can often defuse a tense moment when you've been asked a difficult question. Make sure that athough you look like you're concentrating, you're actually listening. Some showoff will inevitably pipe up, so you can come up with the same thought or follow on from it.
- Remember, it's the confidence that's really important. You can get away the most outrageous blunders in artistic knowledge as long as you do it with aplomb and the certain knowledge of how right you are compared with everybody else. A monocle and a mustache can help in this venture.
