I've never had a problem finding a date, obviously, but some of my plainer and fatter friends have. And because I'm terribly generous and good natured, I've decided to share some new world dating tips that my plainer and fatter friends have shared with me.
- Speed dating. Pros - no time to eat on the date, the constant running from table to table can promote weight loss, proper lighting can ensure your flaws are covered. AND you can tell if the man is hideous or a complete bore right away.
- Internet dating. People assure me that EVERYONE is doing it - meeting men on the net. The pros are that you can chat and email for a while before meeting the person, so that way you get to know them a bit BEFORE turning up at an expensive restaurant in your best frock just to be vomited on later. BUT, remember, while MY photos always tell the truth, you may not get what you see. And remember, it ISN'T rude to run away from a first date IF HE'S HIDEOUS.
- Phone chat lines. Same deal with the internet really. But try not to use one that costs a bomb and is actually a sex line, because that's just pathetic.
- Internet cafes. Not advised. People in internet cafes are either: dirty cheap tourists who can't afford laptops; dirty cheap locals who can't afford laptops; addicted geeks who leave the office for lunch and then HAVE to get a fix before going back to work. Avoid internet cafes.
- Virtual cafes. Kind of like internet chat and dating, there are organisations where you can go to meet people like a cafe but online. Same pros and cons as before.
- Faxing. Ever tried having fax sex? Ridiculously slow. Don't bother. Why did they even INVENT the fax machine anyway?
- Romancing the office geek. Can be useful from a fixing-broken-stuff pov, and programming your video recorder. But seriously, make sure he's half way cute and semi sociable. What's the point in dating if you can't show him off?
- Picking up unsolicited girls from spam. No, no, no. Look, many people have tried this, but it turns out that most of these girls are actually balding fat middle aged men who are just after your cash. But I guess if that's what you're looking for...
- Improving your manhood. (What to look for on HIS computer) If you see that he's been REPLYING to ads like "Viagra" and "Extend your member" and other such treasures, get out. It's really not worth the bother, and all the "of course that's okay, honey" effort that you have to put in.
- Sex toys. You can order them over the internet anonymously. So if you're having a really bad run, just do it yourself with batteries.
