Okay, so, like, it turns out that there are certain things that really picky girls are, like, NOT looking for in a guy, and one of those HAPPENS to be what I am - a laid back guy who likes to smoke a little pot and prefers the couch, to, like, arty s**t like the movies or whatever. So if you're looking to score with a girl, these are things you should, like, disguise from her until she knows you and your more awesome qualities better.
- Wearing the same clothes over and over. If, like, a discerning girl is coming round to your house, you probably should clean up the bedroom floor. And, like, girls have this freakish ability to KNOW if you don't change your clothes like EVERY DAY. Talk about hard work. To fake it, pile the laundry hamper with washing. It will look like you DO change your clothes, and more importantly, that YOU DO LAUNDRY. Yeah. It works till you start to smell.
- The state of the floor around the couch. If, like me, you don't, like, tend to move from the couch much, this can be kind of obvious. Like, the pringles packets, the grime, the coins, the crumbs, the mouldy stuff, the half empty pepsi bottles within arms reach. Ask your mom to bring over her dust buster, and keep IT next to the couch. This will both please your mom, and mean you can clean the couch area when your girl's coming over.
- The toilet. Like, apparently, girls get offended when it's dirty. Get your mom over to clean it before your date, and that clean will last for, like, WEEKS. It might even last for TWO girls. Yeah.
- Your bong collection. Like, I'm really proud of my collection, even the, like, totally retro ones that are made out of coke bottles and garden hose. They're, like, a piece of history, man. But apparently, chicks don't dig bong collections or dirty bong water that's been accumulating since high school. Spread a sarong over them or something.
- The kitchen sink. I'm, like, a firm believer that dishes happen, and if I leave them there long enough mom will either do them when she comes over, or throw them out and I, like, trust her judgment. But if you have a chick coming over, for some reason, they get antsy about a couple of weeks worth of dishes in the sink. So either hide them, or chuck them out.
- Your hair. Like, maybe a brush, maybe even a little shampoo. Don't go nuts, product is for losers.
- Your flatmate(s). It's like, weird, but some girls have like this sixth sense when they see your scaly stoner flatmates that maybe you have something in common with them? It's okay to just give them the playstation and ask them to go into their room for the afternoon. That totally works. Then by the time she meets them, it's TOO LATE TO BACK OUT.
- Your mom. Okay, so like, you've been relying heavily on her for the whole cleaning thing, but don't let your girlfriend know. And, like, DON'T let them meet. It's all over then.
- Sleeping, like, all the time. Apparently some girls aren't into sleeping till two every afternoon, and then having a four o'clock nap. It's as though you have nothing better to do. So, like, at least pretend you woke up at eight and did something constructive with your morning.
- Work/study. Pretend to be doing it or looking for it. Seriously, it shows you have, like, drive and ambition or whatever. otherwise she'll think your goals are just to sleep - that may be true - but chicks just don't dig it.
