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We all love to hate him, perpetrator of the Windows travesty and all round rich and irritating guy. But would I, given a chance, turn my disdain to adoration? Here are the 10 best reasons I can figure out for marrying him...

Okay, so, like, it turns out that there are certain things that really picky girls are, like, NOT looking for in a guy, and one of those HAPPENS to be what I am - a laid back guy who likes to smoke a little pot and prefers the couch, to, like, arty s**t like the movies or whatever. So if you're looking to score with a girl, these are things you should, like, disguise from her until she knows you and your more awesome qualities better.

I can't express to you my hatred for plebs, although you might be getting some idea if you have enough taste to avidly follow the contents of my column here. It's dreadful enough that they consider their stupid little lives important, and even worse that they settle down with other plebs and breed. Disgusting. I've listed the most repugnant of their courtship rituals, so you know what to look out for. If you are courting a person of class and sophistication, do NOT use the following tactics.

Everybody loves a little relationship advice! According to the stars, here's yours!

I am a really soulful and deep person, and even though any girl I date has to be really deep and soulful as well, or else we just don't mesh, they still can't grasp all the complexities and multi-facets within my personality. That's cool. I'm an amazingly complex person. Basically I'm providing this list because while there couldn't possibly be anyone more complex than me, if you are dating a guy who is even slightly sensitive, you may well need to understand one of the following things:

I've never been on a blind date, obviously, that would just be too pathetic. However, I have several fat and unattractive friends (who naturally I keep around to cheer me up when i feel bloated), bless their hearts, who go on them all the time. And the stories I hear! As far as I can tell, these are the ten best ways to get away from that awful little troll who passed himself off as a six foot adonis in the personals column in the back of the local newspaper...

Mary Lou and I have been married for twenty three years, and frankly, the woman could know me a little better. It's not like she has anything else to do all day.

Relationships. The gift card market thrives on them. Industries have been built around them. Empires have fallen because of them! Often notoriously difficult to negotiate, who better to help you out with some hard hitting advice than our seven favourite bloggers?